Christain Jokes

Know your Ten Commandments

There was an elderly young guy named Gabriel. He  was unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the entrance porch when the worshippers were busy praying.

When Gabriel arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on 'The Ten Commandments.'
After the service, Gabriel met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, 'I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I repented.'

The vicar answered, 'You mean the commandment ' Thou shall not steal' changed your mind?'
No, said Gabriel, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I had left my old hat.

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Charity Begins at Home?

A large, well built man named victor visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar's wife, who was well known for her charity.

As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. Their father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be thrown out into the cold streets unless someone pays their GHC400 rent arrears.

'How frightful!' exclaimed the vicar's wife. 'May I ask who you are?'

The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and said, I'm their landlord.

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The Bible Study

Michael, my pastors little grandson came home from Sunday School and I asked him what they had studied.
His reply was, 'Nothing.'
So I asked him, 'Didn't you study about Jesus?' 

Micheal's reply was, 'No, he wasn't even there.'

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You want to Burn my son with Your Holy Ghost fire.

 A Reverend father at st Mary’s church in Nigeria was baptizing young children in the church. When it came to the turn of a child having an illiterate mother, father stiles wanted to baptize his son as usually. But being the first time she saw baptism in her life she rushed out to the front of the church. The following dialogue ensued between her and the reverend father.
Woman: Father what are you doing?
Father: I am baptizing your son with water and the Holy Ghost fire.
Woman: please give me my son, the fire that burned him when I was cooking was not enough and you now want to burn my son to death with your Holy Ghost fire. 

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The Hand of God

Little Philip was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in infant school. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother commented, 'Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?'
'Yes, 'replied Philip, 'God did it and he did it left handed.'

This confused his grandmother so she asked him, 'What makes you say God did this with his left hand?' 'Well, 'said Philip, 'we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand.' 

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The Lord's Army

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the pastor was standing at the door, as usually, to shake hands with the worshippers. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said to him, 'You need to join the army of the Lord.'
My friend replied, 'I'm already in the army of the Lord, pastor.'

So the pastor inquired, 'Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and at Easter?'
My friend whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.' 

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What religion are you?

After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Denis sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, Denis replied, 'That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.'

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What happened to the flea?

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.'
His son asked, 'What happened to the flea?'

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Going to church better than Fishing?

Mark arrived at Sunday school late.  Pastor Emmanuel, his leader, knew that Mark was usually very punctual so he asked him if anything was wrong. 

Mark replied no, that he had been going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.

Pastor Emmanuel was very impressed and asked the victor if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?
Mark replied, Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.

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Father Success and the Beggars

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ghana.  One is holding a cross and the other a Star of David.

Both are holding hats to collect contributions.  People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross.  Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

Father Success, the priest, watches for a while and then approaches the men. He says to the man with the Star of David, 'Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country?  You'll never get any contributions holding a Star of David.'

The man turns to the one with the cross and says, 'Moishe, can you imagine, this goy is trying to tell us how to run our business?' 

Please come to let us share our money. The beggar with the cross, interupted you are stupid, is this money meant for me and you.

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Big Cheese in Church: a Smelly, Amusing Tale  

Big Dave seemed to always fall asleep during the Sunday sermon. His wife, Martha, was fed up and decided to deal with the embarrassing situation.
The next Sunday when he fell asleep, she quietly removed some pungent Roquefort cheese from a bag in her purse and passed it under his nose.
Groggily startled, Big Dave blurted out, 'No, Martha, no, please don't kiss me now.'

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Funny Father George and His New Suit

For Father's Nicholas's 60th birthday, the congregation at St Mary's, church, Anambra state Nigeria, decided to give him a present of a new suit.
Father Nicholas was so moved by the gift that the following Sunday he stood before everyone and began his homily with a tear in his eye, 'Today I am preaching to you in my birthday suit.'

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What Price a Sermon?

One beautiful Sunday morning, Reverend Barnard announces to his congregation, 'My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons......
A $100 sermon that lasts five minutes
A $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes
And a $20 sermon that lasts a full hour.
Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.'

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Long Sermon

Bunny, a pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed Ralph get up and leave during the middle of his message. He returned just before the conclusion of the service.  Afterwards Bunny asked Ralph where he had gone.  'I went to get a haircut,' was the reply.
'But,' said Bunny the pastor, 'Why didn't you do that before the service?'
'Because,' Ralph said, 'I didn't need one then.'

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Cowboy Relates To Sermon

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, 'I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him.'
So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, 'Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay.'

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Poor Sick Boy

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Marty, a little boy, was in church one Sunday with his mother Doris, when he started feeling sick.
'Mummy,' he inquired, 'can we leave now?'
'No,' his mother replied, 'the service isn't over yet.'
'Well, I think I'm about to throw up.' Marty announced.
'Then go out of the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.' said Doris.
After about sixty seconds, Marty returned to his pew, alongside his mother.
'Did you throw up?' Marty's Mum asked quietly.
'Yes,' Marty answered, embarrassed.
'How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?' Doris demanded.
'I didn't have to go out of the church, Mummy. They have a box next to the front door that says, "For the Sick" '.

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